Notes and Images

	Giants Above the Waist Only This season’s CBL draft marks the return of the Mikhli giants to the league—recently engaged and forever evil Sonna, and his younger brother Simcha, who is breaking his captain virginity (to Luzy no less). This draft might be the best ever—hosted once again in the fabulous Kosher Delight, in the presence of fat, unkept, and disgusting men—and no, it’s not a Herskovich family gathering. You can feel the excitement in the air, as the majority of the captains have multiple mock drafts that they’re studying, Luzy’s giving Simcha a back rub, and Leib’s working on his eighth Sino Steak. Only one problem with this recap … I wasn’t there. I was busy getting castrated in preparation for the Off-Broadway show I was going to see that night. How I miss the draft for a show is beyond me; let’s just say sometimes you have to do things against your will in order to save your marriage. Some guys have to sing that “Aishes Chaya� thing at their wedding, usually at gunpoint. That’s the part of the wedding where everyone’s ears are gushing blood. I didn’t do that, but I do have to attend musicals and the ballet. Alright fine, I’m a fag. But here’s the thing—I had a premonition on what will happen at the draft. You know how some Rabbi’s know everything; how when you tell them something they pretend they already knew. Like you tell them, “Rabbi, I’m engaged,� and they say, “I knew you’d find a girl soon.� And they swear they know what the girl is like without ever meeting her. And when you call them pretentious, they respond with, “Voos es Deus?� I always get a kick out of that. Well, in case you didn’t know, I’m like a Rabbi – minus the streak of dandruff on my black jacket, marble cake in my beard, and 6 feet of herring on my breath. So I know exactly what happened that night, without even being there! This season we wanted to get the top tier of players in the league to be captains. Well, the top tier and Leib. This way, perhaps the teams will look a bit different, Luzy and Harvey can kiss and makeup, and most importantly, I can be reunited with Yossi B. (Yossi, you had me at Shalom). The captains in draft order were: Yossi, Shapsie, Joey, Tzvi, Sonna, Leib, Elan, Simcha. Also a little caveat: Simcha loses his second round pick and must pick Luzy in round 4. And he must play all of his games with his right arm tied behind his back. Oh, and Elan is handicapped somehow too … and I’m not referring to his recent engagement. As always, everything is written in jest…Onto the draft (times added just for the gimmick) 7:53 – Yossi B. starts things off and picks me. Always good to start a team with 2 Tzadiks. Oh, and Yossi, Jeff Hornacek called. He wants his hair back. 7:56 – Shapsie is trying to deal his pick, hoping to get his guy later. This would be a perfect time for Elan to step up and make a deal to land Rabbi Stern. Apparently scarred by his time with Jeff in the past, Elan is staying put. Shapsie takes Chai. 7:57 – Joey is ecstatic. He goes with Johnnie Cochr…errrr…Jeff Stern. Rabbi Jeff Stern. Speaking of which, it’s been brought to my attention that Jeff isn’t really a Rabbi. He’s not down with that Smicha thing yet. Isn’t this misrepresentation? Should we get MasterCard in here to do one of those fraud commercials? Is this what we want from our Jewish leaders? Doesn’t the CBL deserve a bit more dignity from its players? What are people who look up to Jeff supposed to think (guys like Zal)? 7:58 – Following on that line, and to borrow from Who’s Da Man, from now on, I want to be known as President Kogut. I wasn’t elected, don’t have a cabinet, don’t make decisions—I just feel like being called President. Actually, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays call me President, Tuesdays and Thursdays call me King, and on weekends, call me Emperor. I haven’t earned those titles, but that doesn’t stop some people. 8:00 – If someone utters the phrase, "I go both ways," regardless of the context, would you ever mention it to others to poke fun at that person for a cheap laugh? Now take into account that that person is about 6' 7", and outweighs you by about 130 pounds. Would you ever do that? Me neither. Tzvi goes with Abe. 8:02 – Sonna is dying to take Jablon with this pick. He and Jablon had a bond when they were teammates. So much so that on even weeks of the season Sonna would walk funny, and on odd weeks, Jablon walked funny. I’m not sure what that means. All I know is that Illish is looking better nowadays, so Sonna makes him his pick. 8:03 – Leib is up now. Poor Leib. He was once a vibrant young man, full of hope, life, and hair. Now he’s his dad. In order to live life vicariously, he picks Eric Hofman. Eric couldn’t be reached for comment. He was busy getting Heavy Exercise And Drainage in his car. Poor Leib. 8:22 – Elan sure is taking a long time to make this pick. What is all the thought about? Everyone knows he’s taking Chaim Lebovich. 8:24 – Stupid me! Now that Elan’s engaged, he no longer makes decisions, he and his fiancée make decisions. Everything now becomes WE. He’s probably on the phone with her right now. I can see her complaining that Chaim’s a bad influence on Elan’s hair, and that he should go with a good boy like Luzy with his pick. We goes with Chaim anyway. 8:26 – Simcha is up. Simcha goes with Simcha Hirsch. Simcha is thrilled to play with Simcha. Simcha also finds Simcha very attractive, unfortunately, the same cannot be said the other way around. A little known fact – Hirsch in Japanese means “chucker.� 8:43 – Elan is up again. And again it’s taking forever for him to make his pick. God I hate women. Elan goes with Norby. 8:45 – Leo from the block goes with Schnur. I’m sitting here starring at my monitor for the last 6 minutes. I can’t think of anything to write about Schnur. You can’t imagine how terrible I feel. 8:46 – You know how you have 18 minutes “extra� after Shabbos begins, incase they’re ever needed. Well what if you don’t use those 18 minutes, and you save them up for a time when you do need them. Let’s say one Friday night you want to go out, so you save up the minutes all year long for that one night. 52 * 18 = 936, 936/60 = 15.6. That’s 15.6 hours! That can give you two shabbos freebees if you manage your time correctly. Would anyone have a problem with this? We Jews are usually good at saving anyway. It’s perfect. My brother-in-law came up with a term for this, Shabbos Rollover Minutes. It’s brilliant! Sit back down, it’s already patented. And yes Jeff, you can now fail him. 8:47 – Sonna goes with Nati. He passed up on Jablon once again. Maybe Jablon’s not as good in the sack as I originally thought. 8:48 – Tzvi hops on the blonde ambition tour and goes with Senderowitz. Every season there’s one of these picks. Was it Senderowitz’s combined 6-88 shooting in the playoffs that convinced Tzvi that Senderowitz was his man at this spot? Was it the white eyebrows? The fade-away baseline jumpers on fast breaks? I’m brewing with questions right now. 8:49 – On a sidenote, Abe might have the hairiest upper arms I have ever seen. Good God. It’s like George “The Animal� Steel is in the league. Maybe Senderowitz can be his Elizabeth. 8:51 – Joey goes with Steve Israel. Doesn’t Joey realize that we’re only playing with one ball this season. And can’t we convince someone that Joey is a 12 year old Brazilian boy and sell him to the Underground Sex Trade? Would anyone be against this? 8:54 – Shapsie disavows all Jablon rumors and makes him his pick. Jablon is pumped about the idea of 2 point guards getting him the ball all game long. Now I guess when Shapsie and Jablon kiss when greeting each other in Shul, it will be a little more special. 8:55 – Yossi is up. We needed someone who can put us over the top when we’re in a close game. We choose Barbara. Since she scores many of the big games, we have a feeling that she’ll throw us a point or twelve when needed. As an addition, Berk comes along with her. 8:57 – Simcha is up and he picks his cousin Izzy. Now if I were him, I’d prefer to go by Izadore. I think that was the Butler’s name in The Bird Cage. 8:59 – Yossi is up again, and goes with Howie. You may know Howie as the guy who sued McDonald’s when he spilled coffee on his lap, or the guy who sued McDonald’s for making him fat. I just know him as Jeff’s client. 9:02 – Some defenders are known as the “glove,� some are the “blanket.� Shapsie makes “Crotch� his pick. That’s an appropriate epithet for Mike, since it’s also the part of a 8 year old boys’ anatomy he prefers most. 9:03 – Joey goes with Eli K. I wish I can be in the same room as Eli K. when he finds out what team he’s on. “NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!� This might be his final season. So far, Joey is the only one on the team that will understand the curses coming from Eli K. That might be a good thing. 9:07 – Tzvi goes with Igor Leshekov. I think it’s safe to say that Tzvi has the biggest frontline in CBL history. And I can’t believe Tzvi didn’t take Harvey with this pick. All they’d be missing is Mikey Steinberger. 9:10 – Speaking of the Steinberger clan, if I had that last name, I think I’d name my son Joel, and perhaps even drop the “er� from the end of my name. That would be a stern warning to all of my son’s potential marriage partners and kids. 9:12 – Sonna goes with Ben Volkowitz. Volkowitz is part of a dying breed of CBL players. You know, the guys who let their tzi-tzis hang low while playing. They would not let running fluidly get in the way of religion. Farky was one of those guys. Too bad he’s been transformed into a goat. 9:13 – Leib goes with Yossi Fridman. They say to surround yourself with people who do well that which you do poorly. Eric and Yossi both hustle and play hard. 9:15 – Elan goes with Shiya. Shiya might be able to teach Elan a thing or two about keeping your woman in line. He seems to have a pretty good handle on that. 9:16 – Simcha goes with Harvey. What a guy Simcha is. Knowing that he has to take the Luzster, Simcha takes Harvey in order to bring them together. In the words of the immortal Rodney King, “Can’t we all just get along?� 9:19 – Don’t you agree that the least favorite memory of childhood is when your face was dirty, and your mom wet her fingers with her saliva and then cleaned your face with it. Besides the saliva being a problem, they would always press their fingers so damn hard on your face. That was the worst. That and being molested by your grandparents. 9:21 – Leib is up again and he takes Jeff Vegh. Remember what was said before about picking guys who do thing well…well, Vegh can shoot. 9:22 – Sonna picks Zal with his pick. Why do I feel we’re gonna have to have a police presence at Sonna’s games? CBL action – it’s FANNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC!!! 9:25 – Shapsie is up and he takes Aaron. Aaron is president of the “Shoot the Ball Shapsie� fan club. He’s also co-founder of the “Thank God it’s Thursday night so I can get the hell out of the house� club. Other founders include every other father in the league. 9:27 – Joey goes with Dave Mikhli, who I swear to God will kill a teammate this season. 9:31 – Tzvi makes Yossi Scharf his pick. Scharf is one of those “black-hatters� that Carpathians hate so much. As a matter of fact, Yossi B. is one of them as well. Thank God I’m not Carpathian otherwise I would be forced to hate him. I’ve got nothing against the black-hatters. I just think they look funny in the black hat. I’ve been saying this forever: white guys should not wear black hats—it just looks wrong. Brothers look good in black hats, white guys don’t. 9:34 – This talk about hats made me a little queasy. Yossi decides to go with a man who wears no hats—Brad the Goy. 9:36 – Simcha goes with Erik Yankedajkfiurerjekl. After a season of being yelled at by cousin Alen, I think Erik is very pleased to be on Simcha’s team. 9:41 – Elan goes with Heshy. Heshy’s spirits are still pretty high, cause he feels he will be traded. 9:42 -- I think the saddest thing in this world is a gay man with a lisp. He must try so hard to enunciate the 's' sound, probably can't even call others sassy for fear of how that might sound. And you're crazy if you don't think tho. 9:45 – Yossi B. goes with Stormin’ Norman. Marriage has done quite a job on Norm. He’s aged about 36 years the past 2 seasons (on the bright side, that’s 2 x Chai). To get back into shape, he’s gonna have to borrow Joey’s “Working Out to the Austrian Men’s Swimming Team� fitness video. 9:46 – Shapsie goes with Mark Vegh. Or as ref Pete calls him, Punk Vegh. Shapsie threatened to trade him the minute Vegh calls his house for the 650th time this season. 9:49 – Joey goes with A-Mot, aka Alex Motovich. I think I’ve said this in past recaps, but it’s worth repeating: No one is happier to get out of the house to play ball than Motovich is—no one. Just trust me on this. 9:51 – You ever drive down Coney Island past Foster Avenue? If you have, you’ve certainly seen the giant screen showing commercials. That’s A-Mot’s baby. We’ve got to get CBL commercials up there. We can have Leib demonstrating how to screw up a 3 on 1 break, or Joey showing how to dribble with your head down. We need to make this happen. We will make this happen. By the way, CBL fees for next season will be $675 a person. 9:54 – Tzvi goes with Sash. Looks like Sash is the point guard on his team. 9:56 – Birch Jr. is climbing up in this world. He goes to Sonna. He’s too nice a kid to play on that team. Can’t you see him getting hazed? By mid-season he’s definitely going to be parking his teammates cars, carrying their stuff, etc. 9:58 – Leib goes with Alex Moskowitz. Remember the motto: Surround yourself with guys who do well that which you do poorly. Well, Alex grows hair on his head. A lot of it. Another good pick by the Leibmeister. 10:00 – Hoach goes to Elan and the Luzster goes to Simcha. Everyone is happy. Except of course everyone on Elan’s team not named Chaim. Another successful CBL draft in the books. Incase you were wondering, the show I saw (“Fat Pig�) was pretty good. But I still wish I was at the draft. It’s like a party at the Playboy Mansion: sure it’s fun to imagine what it is like, but wouldn’t you rather be there? The lesson, as always, women ruin everything. Until next season …

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